[Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel is in the shower... Chandler
walks in, and gets something from the fridge... Rachel comes out of
the bathroom, naked waist up, to see Chandler standing there...]

Rachel: Daaargh! (Grabs a blanket to cover herself...)

Chandler: Aaarrgh! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

Rachel: That’s it! You just barge in here! You don’t knock, you have
no...

Chandler: I’m sorry!

Rachel: ...respect for anybody’s privacy...

Chandler: Rachel. Wait, wait.

Rachel: No, you wait. This is ridiculous...

Chandler: Can I just say one thing?

Rachel: What?! What ?!

Chandler: That’s a relatively open weave, and I can still see...
your nippular areas...

Rachel: Aaarrggh!


OPENING TITLES

[Central Perk. Monica, Rachel & Phoebe are at the bar, with Phoebe’s
new boyfriend... Rog...]

Phoebe: Oh, honey, tell them the story about your patient who thinks
things are, like, other things... You know? So, like, when
the phone rings, and she takes a shower...

Rog: That’s pretty much it...

Phoebe: Ooops.

Rog: But you tell it really well sweetie...

Phoebe: Ah. OK, now go away so we can talk about you.

Rog: OK, I’ll miss you (leaves)

Phoebe: Isn’t he great?

Rachel: He’s so cute. And he seems to like you so much...

Phoebe: I know. I know. He’s so sweet, and so complicated, you know?
And for a shrink, who’s not too shrinky?

Monica: So, you think you’ll do it on his couch?

Phoebe: Oh, I don’t know... I don’t know. I think that’s a little
weird... You know, it’s vinyl.

(They all move to join Chandler, Ross and Rog on the couch...)

Rachel: OK. Any of you guys want anything else?

Chandler: Oh yes. Could I have one of those...

Rachel: No, I’m sorry, we’re all out of those. Anybody else?

Chandler: OK.

Rog: Did I, did I miss something?

Chandler: Nah. She’s still upset because I saw her boobies!

Ross: Whoa, what, what d... What were you doing seeing her boobies?

Chandler: It was an accident. It’s not like I was across the street
with a telescope and a box of donuts!

Rog: (Laughs loudly)

Rachel: OK. OK. Can we change the subject, please?

Phoebe: Yeah, cos, hello, these are not her boobies. These are her
breasts!

Rachel: OK, Phoebes, I was hoping for more of a change.

Chandler: You know, you know, I don’t know why you are so embarrassed.
They were very nice boobies...

Rachel: Nice? They were... nice? I mean, tha... that’s it? I mean,
mittens are nice!

Chandler: OK. Rock... Hard place... Me!

Rog: (Laughs again) You’re, you’re, you’re so funny. He’s really
funny. I wouldn’t wanna be there when, when the laughter stops.

Chandler: Whoa. Whoa. Back up there sparky. What did you mean by that?

Rog: Huh... Just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues.
You know, that, you use your humour as a way of keeping people
at a distance.

Chandler: Huh.

Rog: I mean, hey, I just met you! I don’t know you from Adam! Only
child, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty?

Chandler: Uh-huh. How did you know that?

Rog: It’s textbook.

(Joey enters with his dad...)

Joey: Hey you guys! You all know my dad?

(all greet Joey’s dad...)

Monica: Hey, how long you in the city?

MrT: Just for a couple of days. I got a job mid-town. I figure, I’m
better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and
forth on a ferry. (Looks at Rog...) I don’t know this one.

Phoebe: Oh. This is my friend Roger.

Rog: Hi.

MrT: Hey. Hey, good to see you Roger...

Rog: You too, sir.

MrT: What happened to the, er, puppet guy?

Joey: Dad! Er... (Gesturing...)

MrT: Oh. Oh. Er, excuse me. So, Ross, er, how’s the wife?

Joey: Uuuuhhh!! (Ross cringes, Joey gestures again...)

MrT: Home for two, eh? Er, Chandler, quick, say something funny!

Chandler: (Stony faced, tight lipped. Says nothing)

[Joey’s apartment. MrT is on the phone]

MrT: Gotta go. He he he, miss you too... I love you... but it’s
getting real late, now...

(Joey enters)

Joey: Let me say Hi. (Grabs the phone) Hey Ma. Listen, I made the
appointment with Dr.Bazeta, and... excuse me? (Looks at MrT...)
Did you know this isn’t Ma?

[Joey’s apartment. Joey is chopping vegetables. MrT is trying to
explain...]

MrT: Her name’s Ronnie. She’s a pet mortician.

Joey: Sure! So how long you been... (Starts chopping again...)

MrT: Remember when you were a little kid, I used to take you to the
Navy yard, and show you the big ships?

Joey: Since then?

MrT: Nah. It’s only been six years. I just wanted to put a nice
memory in your head so you’d know that I wasn’t always such a
terrible guy... Joe. You ever been in love?

Joey: I don’t know...

MrT: Then you haven’t. You’re burning your tomatoes!

Joey: Hah! You’re one to talk!

MrT: Joe. Your Dad’s in love big time, and the worst part of it is,
it’s with two different women.

Joey: Oh man. Please tell me one of them is Ma!

MrT: Of course one of ‘em’s Ma! What’s the matter with you?


[Joey, Chandler, Ross, Rachel & Monica in Rachel and Monica’s
apartment]

Joey: It’s, like, if you wake up one day, and found out your dad was
leading this, double life. He’s, like, actually some spy,
working for the CIA... That’d be cool... This blows!

Rachel: Now, I know. I mean, why can’t parents just stay parents? You
know? Why do they have to become people? (Chandler is
staring at Rachel’s breasts...) Why do you have... Why...
can’t you stop staring at me breasts?

Chandler: (Eyes fixed) What?... (Looks up)... What??

Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the other day?

Ross: Alright. Alright. We’re all adults here. There’s only one way
to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, er, you’re
gonna have to show her your pee-pee.

Chandler: You know, I don’t see that happening.

Rachel: Come on. He’s right. Tit for tat.

Chandler: Well, I’m not showing you my tat!

Intercom: BZZZZZ

Monica: Hello?

Intercom: It’s Phoebe... and Rog.

Monica: Come on up.

Chandler: Oh good... Rog is here!

Joey: What’s the matter with Rog?

Ross: Yeah?

Chandler: Ah, it’s nothing. It’s just a little thing. I, I hate that
guy!

Ross: What? So he was a little analytical. That’s what he does. You
know, come on, he’s not that bad...


[Ross, Chandler & Rog at the kitchen table. Monica is making some
food...]

Ross: ...You see. That’s where you’re wrong. Why would I marry her,
if I thought on any level that, that she was a Lesbian?

Rog: I don’t know. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.

(Chandler gets up, pats Ross on the back, and wanders away...)

Rog: Ha ha.

Ross: Why? Why would I? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Rog: I don’t know. Maybe, maybe low self esteem, maybe, maybe to
compensate for overshadowing a sibling, maybe...

Monica: W, w, wait. Go back to that sibling thing...

Rog: Well, I don’t know. I mean, it’s conceivable that you wanted to
sabotage your marriage so that the sibling would feel like less
of a failure in the eyes of the parents.

Ross: Dhuh? That’s, that’s ridiculous. I don’t feel guilty for her
failures.

Monica: Huh huh. So, you think I’m a failure?

Phoebe: Isn’t he great?

Ross: Yeah. No, no, but, that’s not what I was saying...

Monica: You know what, I mean all these years I thought you were on
my side, but maybe what you were doing was sucking up to
Mom and Dad, so they’d keep liking you better..

Ross: Hey! I married a Lesbian to make you look good!


[Rog and Rachel are now talking...]

Rachel: You’re right... I mean, you’re right. It wasn’t just the
Weebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace, and, and the
Weebles’ Cruise Ship, oh, which, which had this little
lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in.

Rog: That’s tough, tough stuff. Come on Phoebes. If we’re gonna
catch that movie, we’ve got to get going.

Phoebe: OK. Feel better Rache, OK?

Rog: Phoebes! We’re gonna be late, sweetie!

Phoebe: Oh, OK. Listen, thanks for everything Mon.

Monica: [with mouth full of food] No problem.

Rog: Listen guys, it was great seeing you again...

Ross: Uhhh.

Rog: Mon, er, easy on those cookies, OK? Remember, they’re just food.
They’re not love.

[Phoebe and Rog leave, Ross and Monica throw various foodstuffs at
the closing door!]

Monica: I hate that guy!

Ross: Mmm.

[Joey and Chandler heading back to their apartment...]

Joey: Goodnight, you guys.

[See a woman sitting by their door...]

Chandler: Oh, look, it’s the woman we ordered.

Joey: Hey? Can, er, can we help you?

Ronnie: Ah! No thanks, I’m just waiting for, er, Joey Tribiani.

Joey: I, I’m Joey Tribiani.

Ronnie: Oh. Oh, no, not you. Big Joey. Oh my god! You’re so much
cuter than your pictures! I, I’m Ronnie.... [Joey is visibly
stunned] Cheese Nip?

Chandler: Er, Joey’s having an embolism, but I’d go for a Nip, you
know.


[Chandler’s & Joey’s apartment...]

Ronnie: ...Now, you see, most people, when their pets pass on, they
want them sort of laid out, like they’re sleeping, BUT,
occasionally, you get your person who wants them in a pose,
like, er, chasin’ their tail... Or, er, jumping to catch a
Frisbee...

Chandler: Joey, if I go first, I want to be looking for my keys.

Ronnie: (Laughs) That’s a good one...

[Mr.T enters...]

Mr.T: Hey, Joe...

Joey: Hey Dad. Huh. Ronnie’s here!

Mr.T: Huh?

Ronnie: Hi.

Mr.T: Hey!

Ronnie: Hey!

Mr.T: Hello babe. Wha, wha, what are you doing here?

Ronnie: Oh, er, well, you left your good hair at my apartment, I
figured you’d need it tomorrow for the meeting.

Mr.T: Thank you. Er.

Chandler: So! Who’s up for a big game of Ker-Plunk?

Ronnie: Look, I, er, I, I shouldn’t have come. I, I, I better get
going, I don’t want to miss the last train...

Mr.T: No, no, hon, I don’t want you taking that thing this late...

Ronnie: Oh, where am I going to stay? Here?

Joey: Woah ho!

Mr.T: We’ll go to a hotel.

Ronnie: Go to a hotel.

Joey: No you won’t.

Ronnie: No we won’t.

Joey: If you go to a hotel, you’ll be doin’ stuff. I want you right
here, where I can keep an eye on you.

Mr.T: You’re gonna keep an eye on us?

Joey: That’s right mister, and I don’t care how old you are, as long
as you’re under my roof, you’re gonna live by my rules...
And that means, no sleeping with your girlfriend.

Ronnie: Wow. He’s strict.

Joey: Now Dad, you’ll be in my room, Ronnie, er, you can stay in
Chandler’s room.

Ronnie: Thanks. You’re, you’re a good kid.

Chandler: Come on, I, I’ll show you to my room... (Ronnie follows)
That sounds so weird when it’s not followed by "No thanks,
it’s late"

Joey: OK. Now this is just for tonight. Starting tomorrow, you’ve
gotta make a change. Six years is long enough.

Mr.T: What kind of change?

Joey: Well, either you break it off with Ronnie...

Mr.T: I can’t do that!

Joey: Then you’ve gotta come clean with Ma! This is not right!

Mr.T: Yea, but, this...

Joey: I don’t wanna hear it! Now, go to my room!


[Night. Chandler’s & Joey’s place. They’re sharing the sofa-bed...
Joey is tossing and turning, and kicking...]

Chandler: Hey! Kicky! What are you doing?

Joey: I’m just trying to get comfortable. I can’t sleep in my
underwear...

Chandler: Well, you’re gonna!

Joey: I’ve been thinking. You know, about how I’m always seeing
girls on top of girls...

Chandler: Are they end to end, or tall, like pancakes?

Joey: You know what I mean. About how I’m always going out with all
these women, and I always figured, when the right one comes
along, I’d be able to be a stand up guy, and go the distance,
you know. I’m looking at my Dad, thinking...

Chandler: Hey, you are not him, you’re you. When they were all over
you to go into your father’s pipe fitting business, did you
cave?

Joey: No.

Chandler: No. You decided to go into the out of work actor business.
Now that wasn’t easy, but you did it. And I’d like to
believe that when the right woman comes along, you will
have the courage, and the guts, to say "No thanks. I’m
married."

Joey: You really think so?

Chandler: Yeah. I really do.

Joey: Aw! Thanks Chandler... (Snuggles up to Chandler)

Chandler: Get off!

Joey: Hey!


[Monica and Rachel’s apartment. There’s a knock at the door...]

Door: Knock, knock.

[Monica answers...]

Monica: Hi.

Ronnie: Hi.

Monica: May I help you?

Ronnie: Er, yeah, er, Joey said I could use your shower, since, er,
Chandler’s in ours...

Monica: OK. Who are you?

Ronnie: Oh! I’m, er, Ronnie. Ronnie Rapalato. The mistress?

Monica: Uh-huh. Er, come on in.

Ronnie: Oh, thanks.

Rachel: Hi, I’m Rachel. The bathroom’s up there. Hey, listen Ronnie,
how long would you say Chandler’s been in the shower?

Ronnie: Oh, like, er, five minutes.

Rachel: Oh, great. Fasten your seatbelts. It’s pee-pee time!


[Chandler & Joey’s apartment. Mr. Tribiani Snr is in the kitchen...]

Rachel: Hey Mr.Trib.

Mr.T: Hey. Good morning, dear.

Rachel: Chandler Bing, it’s time to see your thing...

[Pulls back the shower curtain to see... Joey!]

Rachel: (Screams) [Runs out of the bathroom]

Joey: [complete with towel...] What’s the matter with you?

Rachel: I thought it was Chandler

Chandler: [Enters from his bedroom] Wha-what?

Rachel: You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing!

Chandler: Sorry. My, my thing was in there with me!


[Central Perk. Monica, Rachel, Chandler & Ross are there. Phoebe
walks in...]

All: Hey Phoebes

Monica: How’s it going?

Phoebe: Good. Oh! Oh! Roger’s having a dinner thing, and he wanted
me to invite you guys.

Chandler: Huh-uh.

Phoebe: So what’s going on?

Monica: Nothing. It’s er... It’s just, er... It’s Roger.

Ross: I, er, I dunno, there’s something about...

Chandler: Basically we just feel that he’s, er...

Monica: We hate that guy!

All: We hate him!

Ross: We’re sorry Phoebes, we’re sorry.

Phoebe: Ah. Huh. OK. OK, don’t you think maybe though that’s just
that he’s so perceptive that it freaked you out?

All: No. We hate him!

Monica: We’re sorry.


[Joey and Chandler’s apartment. Joey is trying to put back the sofa
bed, and failing There’s a knock at the door...]

Door: Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

[Joey goes to answer the door...]

Joey: Ma! What are you doin’ here?

Mrs.T: I came to give you this... (gives him a bag of groceries) And
this... (clips him around the back of the head!)

Joey: Ow! Big ring!

Mrs.T: Why did you have to fill your father’s head with all that
garbage about making things right? Things were fine the way
they were. There’s chicken in there... put it away! For god’s
sake, Joey (Puts the sofa bed away with ease!). Really.

Joey: Hold on. You knew?

Mrs.T: Of course I knew. Your father is no James Bond! You should
have heard some of his cover stories... "I sleeping over at
my accountants"... I mean, what is that? Please...

Joey: So then, wha, how could you, I mean, how could you...

Mrs.T: Do you remember how your father used to be? Always yelling.
Always yelling. Nothing made him happy. Nothing made him happy.
Nothing, not that wood shop, not those stupid little ships in
the bottle, nothing. Now he’s happy. I mean, it’s nice, he
has a hobby.

Joey: Ma, I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but what the hell are
you talking about? I, I mean, what about you?

Mrs.T: Me? I’m fine. Look, honey, in an ideal world, there’d be no
harm, and your father would look like Sting. And I’ll tell
you something else. Ever since that poodle-stuffer came
along, he’s been so ashamed of himself, that he’s been
attentive, he’s been more loving, it’s like every day
is our anniversary.

Joey: I’m happy for you?

Mrs.T: Well don’t be! Because now everything is screwed up! I just
want it the way it was.

Joey: Ma. I’m sorry. I, I just did what I thought you’d want.

Mrs.T: I know you did cookie, I know you did. So tell me. Did you
see her?

Joey: Yeah. You’re ten times prettier than she is.

Mrs.T: That’s sweet. Could I take her?

Joey: With this ring? No contest!


[Central Perk. Phoebe and Rog on the couch...]

Rog: What’s wrong sweetie?

Phoebe: Nothing. Nothing.

Rog: Now, now, now, what’s wrong, come on?

Phoebe: OK. It’s, I mean, it’s nothing, I’m fine. It’s just, er,
it’s my friends. They, they have a liking problem with you.
In that, er, they don’t.

Rog: Oh. They don’t.

Phoebe: But, you know, they don’t see all the wonderfulness that I
see, you know, they don’t see all the, all the good stuff,
and all the sweet stuff. They just, you know, they think
you’re a little...

Rog: What?

Phoebe: ...Intense and creepy.

Rog: Oh.

Phoebe: But I don’t. Me. Phoebe.

Rog: Well, I’m not, I’m not at all surprised they feel that way.

Phoebe: You’re not? See, that’s why you’re so great!

Rog: Actually, it’s, it’s quite, you know, typical behaviour when
you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. You know,
this kind of, co-dependant, emotionally stunted, sitting in
your stupid coffee house, with your stupid big cups, which
I’m sorry, might as well have nipples on them, and you’re all,
like, "Oh, define me! Define me! Love me! I need love!"


[Monica & Rachel’s apartment. Chandler, Joey, Ross, Monica and Rachel
are there...]

Monica: So, you talk to your dad, huh?

Joey: Yeah. He’s gonna keep cheating on my Ma, like she wanted. My
Ma’s gonna keep pretending she doesn’t know, even though she
does, and my little sister Tina, can’t see her husband any
more, cos he got a restraining order (All look puzzled),
which has nothing to do with anything, except that I found
out today.

Rachel: Wow.

Chandler: Things sure have changed here on Walton’s Mountain.

Ross: So, Joey, you OK?

Joey: Yeah, I guess, it’s just, you know, they’re parents, after a
certain point you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you
gotta let them make their own mistakes.

Rachel: Just think. In a couple of years we get to turn into them.

Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I’ll either be an alcoholic
blonde, chasing after twenty-year old boys, or I’ll end
up like my Mom!

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey!

All: Hey Phoebes!

Monica: How’s it going?

Phoebe: Oh, OK. Except I broke up with Roger.

All: Ohhhh!

Phoebe: Yeah, right!

All: No, no. Ahhhhh!!!

Rachel: What happened?

Phoebe: I don’t know, I mean, he’s a good person, and he can be
really sweet. And in some ways, I think he is so right for
me. It’s just, I hate that guy!


CLOSING CREDITS

[Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Phoebe is in the kitchen. Joey
enters...]

Phoebe: Hey, Joey. What’s going on?

Joey: Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop,
Rachel Green.

(Enters the bathroom.... Muffled screams.... Joey runs out...)

Monica: Joey! What the hell were you doing?

Joey: Sorry. Wrong boobies (he grins...)


[Joey and Chandler’s apartment. Monica enters... and walks to the
bathroom...]

Monica: Hello Joey (Pulls back shower curtain, to see... Mr.
Tribiani Senior!!!)

Mr.T: Hello dear.