[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is on the phone.]

RACHEL: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the,
the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that.
Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a
safe building, there's nothing [a pigeon flies in the window
and lands on the table] OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go,
I gotta go, I gotta go. [hangs up] OK, that's fine, you just
read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. [grabs a
pot and lid] OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the
gentle comedy. [puts pot over the pigeon] Aaahh, oh my God, oh
my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,
oh my God, aaaaahh. [knock at the door] It's open you guys.

[a stranger enters with flowers]

STRANGER: Hi.

RACHEL: Hi, hi can I help you?

STRANGER: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?

RACHEL: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.

STRANGER: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by. [leaves
flowers on bar]

RACHEL: What? [in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot
and lets it get away]

STRANGER: Hey, how, how did you do that?


OPENING TITLES


[Scene: Monica and Rachels apartment. The whole gang is there.]

JOEY: This is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you be married?

PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not married married, ya know, he's just a
friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just
needed a green card.

MONICA: I can't believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not
tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry Monica but I knew if I told you, you'd get really,
like, judgemental and you would not approve.

MONICA: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love
with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were
you thinking?

ROSS: You see, and you thought she'd be judgemental.

PHOEBE: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I was just helping out a
friend.

MONICA: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a
month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger.

ALL: Huuh.

MONICA: Well, didn't you?

PHOEBE: I might have.

MONICA: I can't believe you didn't tell me.

PHOEBE: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything.

MONICA: What have I not told you?

PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear
out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were
having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.

RACHEL: What!

MONICA: Wait a minute, who told you? [turns to Chandler who's looking
sheepish] You are dead meat.

CHANDLER: I didn't know it was a big secret.

MONICA: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines
as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple.

PHOEBE: You have a third nipple?

CHANDLER: You bitch.

ROSS: Whip it out, whip it out.

CHANDLER: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's
totally useless.

RACHEL: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

JOEY: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.

ROSS: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?

JOEY: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought
that's what it was. Let me see it again.

ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.

CHANDLER: Joey was in a porno movie.

ALL: Huuh.

CHANDLER: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me.

ROSS: You were in a porno?

JOEY: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a
job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so
they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't
'cause there's people havin' sex on it.

MONICA: That is wild.

ROSS: [to Chandler] So what's it shaped like?

PHOEBE: Yeah, is there a hair on it?

JOEY: What happens if you flick it?

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting on the
couch.]

ROSS: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?

CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery
entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

JULIE: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a
sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked
around you.

CHANDLER: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the
tri-state area?

ROSS: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't
know?

RACHEL: [to Monica at the counter] Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so
special.

MONICA: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you
did. But he's with her now and you're just gonna have to get
over it.

RACHEL: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know
that's I had to do, I just have to get over it.

[Phoebe enters all dressed up]

ALL: Woah.

JOEY: Foxy lady.

JULIE: Where you goin'?

PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's skating tonight at the
Garden, he's in the Capades.

JOEY: The Ice Capades?

CHANDLER: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast
but when Snoopy falls. . . funny.

MONICA: I can't believe you're dressing up for him. I mean, you're
just, you're setting yourself up all over again.

PHOEBE: OK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can
put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed
like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for your
gay husband.

ROSS: [holding cream pitcher] Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk.
[holds pitcher in front of Chandler's chest and flips the lid]
Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here?

CHANDLER: Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha
ha. . .

[Scene: Central Perk close to closing. Ross and Julie are still there.
Rachel is cleaning tables.]

ROSS: OK sweetie, I'll see you later.

JULIE: See you later Rach.

RACHEL: Bye-bye Julie. [Julie leaves]

[Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks
Rachel in the butt.]

RACHEL: Hey.

ROSS: Hey.

[Ross kicks her again]

RACHEL: Hey, c'mon, cut it out.

ROSS: Hey?

RACHEL: What?

ROSS: Can I ask you somethin'?

RACHEL: Sure.

ROSS: Naa.

RACHEL: What? C'mon, talk to me.

ROSS: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before
ha, have, having the sex?

RACHEL: Why? Who's not having. . . Are you and Julie not, are, are
you and, are you and Julie not having sex?

ROSS: Technically, huh, no.

RACHEL: Wow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed. Or, or is it
'cause she's like, kinda bossy, makes it feel like school?

ROSS: No, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't done anything.
I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of other stuff, lot's of other
stuff, like uhh. . .

RACHEL: No, no no no, don't need to know the details.

ROSS: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one
woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now
I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become,
like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm
weird.

RACHEL: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think, I think
umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I think it's sexy.

ROSS: Sexy?

RACHEL: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier
than a man who does not want to have sex.

ROSS: No kidding?

RACHEL: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do?

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I'd wait.

ROSS: You'd wait?

RACHEL: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait. . . then I'd wait some
more.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I
don't care if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna
have sex with, with another man. That just means it's working.

ROSS: Women really want this?

RACHEL: More than jewelry. [Rachel struts off, extremely pleased with
herself]

[Scene: Madison Square Garden. Duncan's dressing room.]

PHOEBE: Hi.

DUNCAN: Phoebe!

PHOEBE: Ta-da.

DUNCAN: Hey.

PHOEBE: Hi.

DUNCAN: Ahh, look at you, you look great.

PHOEBE: Do I? Thank you, so do you.

DUNCAN: Thanks.

PHOEBE: Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. Mr. major
capades guy. I, I remember when you were just, like, King
Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice is Nice.

DUNCAN: You always said I'd make it.

PHOEBE: Yeah, well, ya know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Wooo.

DUNCAN: I missed you. [they hug] I'm gonna get changed.

PHOEBE: OK.

DUNCAN: Um, now. Phoebs.

PHOEBE: Oh, right, OK. Ole.

DUNCAN: What?

PHOEBE: Um, the matador. [Duncan leaves] Ole, ha ha ha.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross and Julie are setting the table.]

ROSS: Julie, can you hold this for a second, thanks. [hands her a bowl
and kisses her]

[Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel enter. Ross and Julie don't
notice.]

CHANDLER: Uh, Julie.

JULIE: Yeah?

CHANDLER: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's
gone now, you're alright.

ROSS: Hi everyone.

ALL: Hi.

ROSS: [pulls Rachel aside] I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh,
our little talk before.

RACHEL: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting
thing?

ROSS: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to
Joey.

RACHEL: What did, what did he say?

ROSS: Basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya
know. So I though about what you said and I though about what he
said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight so. . .

[Scene: Ross's apartment. After dinner. Chandler enters.]

CHANDLER: What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's porno movie.

ROSS: Pop it in.

JOEY: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled
with two nippled people. [Chandler puts the tape in]

RACHEL: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see.

ROSS: What's wrong with people having sex?

RACHEL: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh,
degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's
always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here.

MONICA: Hell, I wanna see Joey.

[video starts with the cheesy porn disco music]

JULIE: So is there like a story or do they just start doing it
right. . . oh, never mind.

CHANDLER: OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test
I've ever seen.

MONICA: All I say is, she better get the job.

ROSS: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

JOEY: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the
copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do,
what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say,
wait, here's my line, [Joey from TV] you know that's bad for
the paper tray.

CHANDLER: Nice work my friend.

JOEY: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the
guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am,
there I am, there I am. . .

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is
fixing her hair and Duncan enters.]

PHOEBE: So um, so what's up, you came to see me yesterday.

DUNCAN: Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce.

PHOEBE: Ohh. . .K. How come?

DUNCAN: Umm, actually, I'm getting married again.

PHOEBE: What?

DUNCAN: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight.

PHOEBE: Huuh.

DUNCAN: Yeah, I know, I.

PHOEBE: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I
mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and you throw such
great Academy Award parties.

DUNCAN: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a
point where you can't live a lie anymore.

PHOEBE: So how long have you known?

DUNCAN: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I
though I was supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an
ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin' to fit
in.

PHOEBE: And um, and there's actually a, a woman?

DUNCAN: Her name's Debra.

PHOEBE: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with?

DUNCAN: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two
times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a
straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I
told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in
college.

PHOEBE: Sure.

DUNCAN: But now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born
this way.

PHOEBE: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married
to someone for six years and you think you know him and then
one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.'

DUNCAN: I'm, I'm still me.

PHOEBE: Why couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago?

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Everyone is sitting around. Monica enters
from bathroom.]

MONICA: You know, it still smells like monkey in there.

JULIE: That saves us a conversation.

CHANDLER: Well, listen, this has been great but I'm officially wiped.

JOEY: Me too, we should get goin'.

RACHEL: No, no, I mean, no, c'mon you guys, I mean, c'mon look it's
only eleven thirty. Let's just talk, we never just hang out
and talk anymore.

MONICA: Rachel, that's all we do.

RACHEL: Maybe that's all we do, what about Julie?

JULIE: What about Julie?

RACHEL: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and
we don't really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what
do you like, what don't you like? We wanna hear everything.

JULIE: Well, that could take a while.

RACHEL: So. I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know
Julie?

CHANDLER: I got the time to get to know Julie.

JOEY: I got time.

MONICA: Rach, I know her pretty well, can I go? [Rachel gives her a
look from hell] That's fine.

RACHEL: OK Julie, so now let's start with your childhood, what was
that like?

JULIE: Well, in a nutshell. . .

RACHEL: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh.

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is
signing the divorce papers.]

PHOEBE: So, um, have you told your parents?

DUNCAN: No, but it'll be OK, they're pretty cool, my brother's straight
so. . .

PHOEBE: [handing him the papers] Here you go. You know what, I just
have one more question, um, if you had figured this out sooner
and um, I had been around, do you think that I would have been
the one who. . . no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't
think either answer would make me feel better.

DUNCAN: I love you Phoebe. [they hug and kiss]

PHOEBE: So your brother's straight huh? Seriously.

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Julie is telling her live story.]

JULIE: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade
teacher was Mrs. Cobb.

RAHCEL: Mrs., Mrs. Gobb?

JULIE: No Cobb, as in cobb salad.

RACHEL: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad?

CHANDLER: I'm goin' home.

RACHEL: What?

[Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and Monica exit]

JOEY: Boy that Julie's a talker, huh?

ROSS: Goodnight.

RACHEL: So, it's pretty late, you're probably uh, not still planning
on. . .

ROSS: Oh, no no, I am.

RACHEL: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous?

ROSS: Um, no, I uh, I have done it before.

RACHEL: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you gonna handle it. I mean,
are, are ya gonna, are ya gonna talk about it before hand, are
you just gonna pounce?

ROSS: I uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna see, see what
happens.

RAHCEL: OK, gook luck.

ROSS: Wha, uhh, what?

RACHEL: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you
know if the first time doesn't go well, well then that's,
that's pretty darn hard to recover from.

ROSS: OK, now I'm nervous.

RACHEL: Maybe you should put it off.

ROSS: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent
last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now,
now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just,
I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know.

RACHEL: I know, yeah, sorry.

ROSS: What, it's not your fault.

RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean,
maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know,
spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.

ROSS: Really?

RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you
know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard,
you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort
of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from
my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know
that something amazing is about to happen.

ROSS: [being drawn in by her talk] Uh-huh.

RACHEL: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to
you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against
you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry,
and then it's just happening.

ROSS: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight. [goes back in apartment]

RACHEL: Ohh, God.

CLOSING CREDITS


[Scene: The next morning on the street. Ross is dancing along, Singing
in the Rain is playing. Two old ladies are sitting on a bench.]

ROSS: Good morning.

OLD WOMAN: Well, somebody got some last night.

ROSS: Twice.