RACHEL: Ross kissed me.


MONICA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!


RACHEL: It was unbelievable!


MONICA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!


PHOEBE: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the
wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we
need to get tissues?


RACHEL: Oh, it ended very well.


PHOEBE: Oh.


MONICA: Do not start without me. Do not start without me.


PHOEBE: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it
like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you
know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?


RACHEL: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh,
god, and then we just sort of sunk into it.


PHOEBE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your
back?


RACHEL: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they
slid up, and then, they were in my hair.


PHOEBE & MONICA: Ohhhh.


ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her.


JOEY: Tongue?


ROSS: Yeah.


JOEY: Cool.


CHANDLER: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500
megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a
modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.


PHOEBE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?


CHANDLER: Games and stuff.


MONICA: There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.


JOEY: Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?


MONICA: There's an ad for a naked chef?


JOEY: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be
willing to dance naked. And then...


ROSS: Hi.


PHOEBE: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night?


ROSS: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait,
yeah, that's just painful


MONICA: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.


ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline
solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my
god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with
Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who
cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all
that away?


JOEY: You got all that from saline solution?


MONICA: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel.


ROSS: Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for ten years
now. But now, I'm with Julie, so it's like me and Julie, me and
Rachel, me and Julie, me and Rachel. Rachel, Rachel.


RACHEL: Hey, you.


ROSS: How are you?


RACHEL: Good. How are you?


ROSS: Good.


JULIE: Hi, honey.


ROSS: Hi, Julie. Hi, Julie. Julie, um, how are you?


JULIE: Good.


ROSS: Good, so everybody's here. Everybody's good. So, were you gonna
play something, Phoebe?


PHOEBE: Oh, well, actually.


ROSS: Play it.


PHOEBE: Ok, all right.


JOEY: Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses.


JULIE: What?


ROSS: Ssshh.


PHOEBE: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love
triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called,
um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night". There was a girl, we'll
call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't
stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our
Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will
Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who
we'll call Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though
I made him up, he must decide!


MR. RASTATTER: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice. Muy impressivo.


MONICA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad
wasn't too clear.


MR. RASTATTER: Mockolate.


MONICA: I'm sorry?


MR. RASTATTER: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate
substitute.


MONICA: Ohh.


MR. RASTATTER: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that Mockolate is
even better than chocolate.


MONICA: All right. Mmm-mmm.


MR. RASTATTER: Yeah?


MONICA: I love how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that.


MR. RASTATTER: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our F.D.A.
approval any day now, hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving.
See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates
most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter,
Christmas, what have you.


MONICA: Mmm-mmm.


MR. RASTATTER: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can
make Thanksgiving the mockolate holiday.


MONICA: Wow.


MR. RASTATTER: Aren't you going to swallow that?


MONICA: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.


MR. RASTATTER: Yeah, isn't that great?


MONICA: Mmm.


MR. RASTATTER: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple of chefs
who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You
think you might be interested?


MONICA: Abso...lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love
Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate.


MR. RASTATTER: Really?


MONICA: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll
last ya till Christmas.


MONICA: How about mockolate mousse?


PHOEBE: It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y.


MONICA: Ok, how about pilgrim mockolate mousse?


PHOEBE: What makes it pilgrim?


MONICA: We'll put buckles on it.


RACHEL: Hey.


PHOEBE & MONICA: Hey.


RACHEL: Did uh, Ross call?


MONICA: No, I'm sorry.


RACHEL: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's
gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie,
Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of
kids and dig up stuff together."


PHOEBE: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.


ROSS: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this
is like a complete nightmare.


CHANDLER: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me.
They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my
fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.

JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross.


CHANDLER: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.


JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.


CHANDLER: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll
make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put
their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use
different colors for each column.


ROSS: Can't we just use a pen?


CHANDLER: No, Amish boy.


JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right,
Rachel first.


ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a
little spoiled sometimes.


JOEY: You could say that.


ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know.
And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie
and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists,
but Rachel's just a waitress.


CHANDLER: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep
doing this. What else?


ROSS: I don't know.


JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.


CHANDLER: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?


ROSS: She's not Rachel.


MONICA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This
is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip
cookies. Just like the Indians served.


RACHEL: Oh my god.


MONICA: Oh my god good?


RACHEL: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.


PHOEBE: Oh, oh sweet lord! This is what evil must taste like!


CHANDLER: I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that
button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not
so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you
watching Star Trek?


JOEY: Hey, so how'd it go with Julie? Did you, did you break her heart?


ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they
hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing.


CHANDLER: So, Spock actually hugs his father?


RACHEL: Hey, do you guys have...hi.


ROSS: Hi.


RACHEL: Where you goin'?


ROSS: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie's.


RACHEL: Oh.


ROSS: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um the other thing.


RACHEL: Well, what's the other thing, what do I think?


ROSS: Well, uh.


JOEY: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for god's sakes.


RACHEL: Really?


ROSS: Really. It's always been you, Rache.


Rachel: Oh, god.


JOEY & CHANDLER: Ohhh.


RACHEL: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good.


ROSS: I know, I know, it's, it's almost...what do you say we go take a
walk, just us, not them?


RACHEL: Let me get my coat.


ROSS: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your coat.


RACHEL: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat. He's goin' to get my coat. Oh
my god, you guys. I can't believe this. This is unbelievable.
What's that?


CHANDLER: What? Nothing.


RACHEL: What's that? What? I saw my name. What is it?


CHANDLER: No, no, see? See? Hey, it's printing. Hey, it's printing!


RACHEL: Well what is it? Let me see.


ROSS: Hey, someone order a coat?


RACHEL: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he
won't let me see.


ROSS: He won't, he won't. Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the
short story you were writing?


CHANDLER: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was writing.


RACHEL: And I'm in it? Then let me read it.


CHANDLER, JOEY & ROSS: No!


RACHEL: Come on.


JOEY: Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her?


CHANDLER: All right. "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there.
A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the
kingdom was his forever. The end."


ROSS: That's it? That's all you wrote? You are the worst writer in the
whole world.


RACHEL: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's
something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it.


ROSS: No, you don't.


RACHEL: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be
children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it.
What is this? Ross, what is this?


CHANDLER: Good luck.


ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok?


RACHEL: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled?


ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little",
the idiot.


RACHEL: Just a waitress?


ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this
over yet Rache?


RACHEL: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!


ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's
column.


RACHEL: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some
stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just
a waitress.


ROSS: No, Rache, come on. Rache! Rache, no, no! She's not Rachel, she
is, she is not, Ra--Rachel?


CHANDLER: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have told her
it was my diary, she never would have made me read her my
diary.


MONICA: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around
the day after an emergency.


PHOEBE: I, I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus.


JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea.


PHOEBE & MONICA : What?


CHANDLER: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up.


MONICA: This was your idea?


PHOEBE: What were you thinking?


CHANDLER: All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things,
they happen for a reason.


MONICA: Yeah. You!


CHANDLER: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that
karma crap, don't you?


PHOEBE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.


ROSS: Rache! Whoops! Rache, hey, open up, please!


RACHEL: When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away.
That doesn't mean please climb up the fire escape.


ROSS: I just wanna read something. It's your pro-list.


RACHEL: Not interested.


ROSS: Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two:
how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play
with your hair when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you
are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are
with Ben. Number six: the way you smell.


JOEY: Hey, Ross! What are you doin'?


ROSS: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window?


JOEY: Oh, yeah, I do.


CHANDLER: What are you doing out there?


ROSS: I am, uh, I am...


MONICA: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a
nice steaming cup of hot mockolate?


ROSS: Rache, come on, open up. Rache, come on, come on, Rache. You got
to give me another chance.


RACHEL: No.


ROSS: No?


RACHEL: That's what I said.


CHANDLER: Look, maybe we should go?


RACHEL: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking.


ROSS: rache, come on, look, I know how you must feel.


RACHEL: No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about
yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you
trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but
actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.


ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things.


RACHEL: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. I said don't
go!


ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way
around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever
make me not want to be with you.


RACHEL: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd
never make a list.


JOEY: I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this type of a
situation before you can talk again, you know? Maybe a little
longer.


MONICA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a
little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut
bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of
crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.


MR. RASTATTER: Doesn't matter.


MONICA: What?


MR. RASTATTER: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about
laboratory rats.


MONICA: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.


MR. RASTATTER: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. Thank you for
all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't
eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?


MONICA: Well, uh, I ate some.


MR. RASTATTER: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot.
So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?


(phone rings)


MONICA: Hello?


ROSS: Hi.


RACHEL: Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my
ankles are weighin' me down.


MONICA: Listen, I, I don't think this is the best time.


ROSS: Look, can, can you do something for me?


MONICA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. Music?


RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants
you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you
can find it in your heart to forgive him. (With or Without You
plays) Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told
us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're
listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we
devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery,
Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two
will work it out.


MR. RASTATTER: Hi, thanks for coming in again.


MONICA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.


MR. RASTATTER: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're
called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios,
but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits.
Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you?


MONICA: Cat hair.

MR. RASTATTER: Oh, sorry.