[Scene: Central Perk, all but Chandler are there, Joey laughs for no
apparent reason.]

Monica: (to Joey) What’s so funny?

Joey: Oh, nothing, no. It’s an acting exercise, I’m practising my fake
laugh.

Monica: Oh. (she laughs)

Joey: What-what’s so funny?

(Chandler enters with a cigarette.)

Gunther: (to Chandler) Oh, no-no, no-no-no, there’s none of that in
here.

Chandler: Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one.

Gunther: Okay, but only if you give me a drag.

Chandler: Okay.

(Chandler hands him the cigarette, and he takes a long drag.)

Gunther: Oh dark mother, once again I suckle at your smokey tit.
(hands Chandler back the cigarette.)

Chandler: No-no, why don’t you hang on to that one.

(He goes and sits down next to Rachel and puts a cigarette in his
mouth, which Rachel takes away from him. He puts another cigarette in
his mouth, and Rachel takes it away again.)

Chandler: Okay, that’s like the least fun game ever.

Rachel: Well, I’m really sick of your smoking, so I brought something
that is going to help you quit. (hands him an audio cassette)

Chandler: Oh. (takes the cassette and puts it on his arm like the stop
smoking patch, and it falls off.) Nope, that patch is no
good. (Joey and Monica both do their fake laughs.)

Rachel: Come on, it’s a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for
two weeks straight and she hasn’t smoked since.

Ross: Pffhah.

Rachel: (to Ross) What’s your problem?

Ross: Nothing, it’s just that hypnosis is beyond crap.

Rachel: Ross, I watched you get hypnotised in Atlantic City.

Ross: Hey, that guy did not hypnotise me! Okay.

Rachel: Oh right, ‘cause you always pull your pants down at the count
of three and play Wipe-out on your butt cheeks.

Phoebe: All right, y'know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is
you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath
in the sweat of six healthy young men.

Chandler: Or what my Father called Thursday night.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Ross is handing Rachel a
cup of coffee.]

Ross: Here you go.

Rachel: Oh, y'know what, I didn’t want cinnamon on this.

Ross: Sorry. (To remedy that, Ross scoops the cinnamon off of the top
with his hand.)

Frank: (entering) Hi!

Phoebe: Oh my God!!

Frank: Hi!

Phoebe: Frank! Hi!

Frank: How are you?

Phoebe: What are you doing here?

Frank: Oh, well y'know, I would’ve called but I lost your phone number
and then ah, my Mom locked me out of the house so I couldn’t
find it. And then, I tried to find a pay phone, and ah, the
receiver was cut off. So...

Phoebe: What happened?

Frank: Ah, oh, the ah, vandalism.

Phoebe: But, also, what happened between you and your Mom?

Frank: Well, we got into a fight ‘cause ah, she said I was to immature
to get married.

Phoebe: Your getting married?!

Frank: Oh, yeah!

All: Wow!

Phoebe: My little brother’s getting married!!

Frank: Oh, I knew you’d be so cool about this. All right, ah, hey, do
you want to meet her?

Phoebe: Do I?

Frank: Do you?

Phoebe: Yeah, I do, yeah.

Frank: Okay, cool, all right, she just ah, parking the truck. (to
Joey) I’m gonna, I’m gonna get my ah, my fiancée man!

Chandler: Y'know, I would’ve bet good money that he’d be the first one
of us to get married.

Phoebe: Yeah, isn’t it fantastic?

Monica: Yeah, ah, but Pheebs don’t you think he’s a little young to
get married?

Phoebe: What, he’s 18.

Ross: Exactly, it’ll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor
party.

Joey: Yeah, or-or to get a hooker.

Chandler: Always illegal Joe.

Frank: (entering with his fiancée Alice, who is obviously much, much
older than he is) Hey! Hey! This is ah, my fiancée, Mrs. Knight.
(he points out Phoebe to her)

Alice: Y'know it-it’s funny, um, Frank told me so much about you, but
your not how I pictured you at all.

Phoebe: Yeah, I’m a big surprise.

(Ross lets them both sit in his chair.)

Monica: So, um, how-how did you guys meet?

Frank: Well um, I was in ah Mrs. Knight’s ah, I mean Alice, sorry,
Alice, I always do that. I was in her ah, Home Ec class.

Alice: And he was my best student.

Frank: Yeah, she was my best teacher.

Alice: Ohhh. (They embrace in a very passionate kiss.)

Chandler: If that doesn’t keep kids in school, what will?

Ross: And so now you guys are gonna be married?

Alice: Yeah. Y'know we-we talked about just living together, but um,
we want to have kids right away.

(Both Chandler and Phoebe have shocked looks on their faces.)

Rachel: Oh my God!! Great!

Phoebe: Wow, kids. Frank, are you sure you’re ready for that?

Frank: I mean, how hard can it be? Y'know, I mean, y'know, babies,
y'know who doesn’t want babies right? And besides y'know, I
never had a Dad around, and ah, now-now I always will, ‘cause
y'know, it’ll be me. Right?

Alice: Y'know, I mean, really we do realise that there’s an age
difference between us.

Phoebe: Oh good! Okay. ‘Cause you were acting like you didn’t.

Alice: Oh no, but when it comes to love, what does age matter?

(They both growl and hiss at each other and then kiss passionately
again.)

[Scene: Chandler’s bedroom, Chandler is listening to the hypnosis
tape.]

Hypnosis Tape: You are falling fast asleep. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper.
You are now completely asleep. You don’t need to smoke.
Cigarettes don’t control you. You are a strong,
confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong,
confident woman.

[Scene: The Moondance Diner, Monica is working, Rachel is having lunch.]

Monica: And y'know what, I just realised, in the last year I’ve only
gone out with two guys, Richard and Julio. You gotta help me
out here, you gotta set me up, you gotta get me back in the
game.

Rachel: Well, that shouldn’t be a problem. I mean I work in fashion
and all I meet are eligible straight men.

Monica: (to a customer) Pete, can I get you something else?

Pete: Yeah, a slice of cheesecake and-and a date if you’re given’ ‘em
out.

Monica: Haven’t you and I covered that topic?

Pete: Hmm, come on, you just said to her that you.

Monica: Aww, the only reason you want to go out with me because my
blond wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you
food.

Pete: Well, if that were true, I’d dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two
times we went out were just plain awkward. (to Rachel) Come on,
you think she should go out with me, don’t you?

Rachel: (laughs) Well, I mean, are you sure you want to go out with
her? I mean that ain’t a pretty picture in the morning, y’know
what I mean. That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over
the night stand, y'know.

Monica: I mean really, think about it.

Pete: Ho-ho, I will.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are being lectured by
Phoebe.]

Phoebe: No, I know, I know, that this is Frank’s life, (walks behind
them, they turn around in the leather chairs to face her)
y'know. Y'know, I don’t want to be all judgmental, y'know, but
this is sick, it’s sick and wrong!

Ross: Pheebs, what, is it the age thing?

Phoebe: No-no, oh, I’m fine with the age thing y'know, until it starts
sticking it’s tongue down my little brother’s throat!

Joey: Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.

Phoebe: But, I mean, do you think he’s gonna enjoy it when he’s up to
his elbows in the diapers from all the babies they have to
have right away?! This is not fair to Frank, (she walks behind
them again, and hey again turn to follow her) and it-it’s not
fair to the babies, and y'know what, it’s not good home
economics.

Joey: Well, have-have you told him how you feel?

Phoebe: Yes. Not out loud.

Ross: Pheebs, if you don’t tell him, soon he’s gonna be married, and
then you’re gonna hate yourself.

Phoebe: Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he’s gonna hate myself. I
mean look at him and his Mom, I can’t. (pause) But, you guys
can, please you gotta talk him out of it.

Ross and Joey: No-no-no-no-no. (They start to turn away, but Phoebe
stops them, and turns them back to face her.)

Phoebe: Come on, you guys, you have nothing to lose, I have everything
to lose. Do you want me to lose everything? Everything?!

Ross and Joey: No.

Phoebe: Okay, I’m gonna go get Frank. (exits)

Joey: So, we’re walking down the street and I turn to you and I say,
Hey, let’s go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes,remember? And then,
and then, you turn to me and say, Nah, let’s just hang out at
your place. Well, that was a nice move dumb ass.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are entering.]

Rachel: I think you should definitely go out with this guy.

Monica: Nah, he doesn’t do anything for me.

Rachel: Monica, last Saturday night, what happened on Walker: Texas
Ranger?

Monica: Well, umm, Walker was looking for this big bus load of kids.
(realises) All right, I get your point.

Rachel: All right.

Chandler: (entering, carrying a briefcase) Hi.

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Y'know, I forgot the combination to this about a year ago?
I just carry it around. Do you have any Chap Stick?

Monica: Uh, yeah.

Rachel: Hey, how are those tapes working out for ya?

Chandler: Y'know what, pretty good.

Rachel: Yeah?

Chandler: Good! I haven’t smoked yet today, I feel great, and-and-and
confident, that is a stunning blouse.

Rachel: Thank you.

Monica: Here you go.

Chandler: Thanks

Rachel: Hey Mon, let’s give Pete a chance Come on, he was funny, he
seems really nice, and that check thing was adorable.

Chandler: What check thing?

Monica: As a joke, this customer at work who has a crush on me gave me
a $20,000 tip. His number is on the check, he just did so I’d
call him.

Chandler: (reading the check) Pete Becker. Pete (quickly grabs a
magazine and opens it up to show her a picture) (pointing to
the picture) Is this him?

Monica: That’s Bill Clinton.

Chandler: Who’s he huggin’?

Monica: Oh my God! That’s Pete! But why is Bill huggin’ Pete?

Chandler: This guy invented Moss 865! Every office in the world uses
that program!

Rachel: We use it!!

Chandler: There you go!!

Rachel: Oh my God, Monica’s gonna go out with a millionaire.

Monica: I’m not gonna go out with him.

Rachel: Oh my God, I can’t believe this is a real $20,000 check, oh
this is just so exciting.

Monica: Or incredibly offensive.

Rachel: Oh yeah, sure, that too.

(Chandler is putting on the Chap Stick the same way that women put on
lipstick, including the bit with the piece of tissue.)

Chandler: (to the girls who are staring at him) What?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are talking to Frank.]

Ross: All we’re saying is don’t rush into anything.

Joey: Yeah, come on, think about it. You’re 18, okay, she’s 44, when
you’re 36, she’s gonna be 88.

Frank: What, you don’t think I know that?

Joey: Look, the point is, there’s a lot of women out there you haven’t
even had sex with yet!

Ross: Yeah, he-he’s right, he’s right. This is your time y'know, yeah,
you’re young, you’re-you’re weird, chicks dig that.

Frank: Okay, but isn’t sex better when it’s with one person that you
really, really care about.

Joey: Yeah, in a poem maybe.

Ross: No the man’s right, that’s what I had with Rachel.

Frank: You don’t have it anymore?

Ross: No, I ah, I slept with someone else.

Frank: Okay, so wait, all right, so how does that make things better?

Ross: It didn’t.

Frank: Okay, so what you used to have with Rachel, is what I’ve got
with Alice.

Joey: Now, wh-what, what is that like?

Frank: It’s so cool man, it’s so, it’s just ‘cause being with her is
so much better than like not being with her.

Ross: Yeah, yeah.

Joey: (to Ross) Why can’t I find that?

Ross: Don’t ask me, I had it and I blew it!

Joey: Well, I want it!

Frank: You can have it!

Joey: I don’t know, maybe I can’t. I mean, maybe there’s something
wrong with me.

Ross: Oh, no! No!

Frank: It’s out there man! I’ve seen it! I got it!!

Joey: Then you hold on to it!!

Frank: All right, man!!

Joey: All right, congratulations you lucky bastard! (hugs him)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it’s after Ross and Joey’s talk with
Frank, and Phoebe’s is finding out what happened.]

Phoebe: (to Joey) You’re Frank’s best man?!

Joey: I couldn’t help it, there love is so pure.

Phoebe: Well then, (to Ross) what about you?! Huh?!

Ross: I’m the ring bearer.

(As Phoebe stands there in shock and disbelief, Chandler comes out of
the bathroom and walks to his bedroom. He’s just got out of the shower
and has the towel wrapped around himself high across his chest, and
another towel wrapped around his head, like women wear towels. Joey
watches Chandler wondering what the hell he’s doing.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Phoebe’s, Phoebe is opening the door.]

Phoebe: Hi! Oh, Alice, hi! Thanks. I’m so glad you could come, ‘cause
I’ve got a real umm, Home Ec emergency. (Points to the table
cloth, which has a huge mustard stain on it.)

Alice: Oh my God, who died on this?!

Phoebe: Yeah, I know. It’s a real mustard-tastrophe. Can you help me?

Alice: Absolutely. Okay, first we’ll start with a little club soda and
salt, and then if that doesn’t work we can go back to.

Phoebe: Y'know what, forget it. It’s ruined.

Alice: Oh no-no, never say that. If we can’t get it out then we can
cut around the stain, add a little lace, you make a stylish
throw.

Phoebe: Or instead, maybe you could just not marry my brother Frank.

[Scene: Pete’s office, he is participating in a conference call with
three other employees, each of whom are on a different TV screen that
he controls with a remote.]

Pete: Okay, that’s great, but can we make it smaller? Can we make it
fit on the head of a pin? I love when we make things fit on the
head of a pin.

All: Got it. Yeah all right. Yeah, okay.

(The intercom buzzes.)

Secretary: You have a Miss Monica Geller here.

Pete: Uh, absolutely, yeah, send her in. (Monica enters) Hi.

Monica: What the hell is this? (holding up the check)

Pete: Hang on a second. (to the employees) I’ll-I’ll talk to you in
the morning. (turns two of the three off) I’m sorry what?

Monica: Seriously, what is this supposed to mean?

Pete: Well, y’know, I never know how much to tip.

Monica: You’re supposed to double the tax. Not double the tax of
Romania. I mean, what’s-what’s the deal? Are you, are you
trying to buy me? Is this the way you get girls to go out with
you?

Employee: Umm, I’m still here.

Pete: (turns off the TV) You’re taking this all wrong. Because, if I
didn’t leave you that tip, you wouldn’t of come down here, we
wouldn’t be having this argument, and there wouldn’t be this ah,
heat between us.

Monica: What?!

Pete: Come on, you gotta admit that our relationship is ah, is hitting
a new level now. ‘Cause you used to be like the chef, and I was
the customer, and now we’re like this-this couple that fights.

Monica: Okay, umm, you’re a loon.

Pete: Look, forget the check, okay. (rips up the check) I like you. I
think you’re great. Come on, what do you say?

Monica: I don’t know.

Pete: Why not?

Monica: ‘Cause I don’t want to encourage this kind of behaviour.

Pete: One meal! That’s all I’m asking for. Please? We go out, we eat,
and if you don’t have a good time, I give you ten grand, we call
it even.

[Scene: Phoebe’s, she is coming home. She turns on the lights, and
sits down on the couch.]

Frank: (hiding under a pile of clothes) Hi. (She jumps up screaming.)
Wait, no! Just put the mail down. It’s-it’s me!

Phoebe: Okay. Whoa, sorry. Why were you just like all in the dark?

Frank: Oh well, um, your, your laundry just smelled so good, that I
thought I’d curl up in it. Is that all right?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. So, how was your day?

Frank: Oh, well just probably the worst one since I’ve been alive.

Phoebe: What umm, what happened?

Frank: Umm, Alice ah, she ah, called it off.

Phoebe: Oh no. Did umm, did she say why?

Frank: Uh, no, not really, just that I was too young, y'know, but I
don’t see how I could all of the sudden be too young, ‘cause
I’m older than I was when we first got together.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, no, I don’t, I don’t know. But, y'know what, maybe
it’s just all for the best?

Frank: Yeah, if the best is like unbelievable pain!

Phoebe: Oh, sweetie, oh. (hugs him)

Frank: Y'know, I just was finally happy y'know. For the first time in
my life! After my Dad left me, and then, and then getting
arrested for stealing those birds, and then, and then the whole
punctured lung thing! I can, it’s still really hard to take
deep breaths in cold weather, but with Alice all that stuff
kinda went away. And now it’s, and now it’s gone and I don’t
know why!

Phoebe: Uh, well I can tell you why. It’s, it’s because of me. But,
y'know what, I only did it because I love you. Okay?

Frank: What?

Phoebe: Umm, well I, I kinda had a little chat with Alice, and I sort
of made her see why you two shouldn’t be together, y'know. And
you’re gonna see it to, one day, you really, really will.

Frank: Wait a minute, wait, this is because of you?

Phoebe: Okay.

Frank: Well, you, wait no, my Mother didn’t want us to be together,
but the worst thing she ever did was tie me to the porch.

Phoebe: Okay, but.

Frank: Wait, y'know what, I-I came to you because I thought you’d
understand! Oh no!! Y'know, I would storm out of here right
now if-if I had some money, or a place to go.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Monica ready for her
date. The guys are also there. The door buzzes.]

Rachel: Oh my God! The millionaire’s here!

Chandler: (in a feminine way) Oh my God! (and he jumps all around)

Monica: Guys, please, I’m just gonna have dinner with him. Okay?

Chandler: Okay, okay, just because he buys you dinner, does not mean
you owe him anything.

Monica: I know!!

Chandler: Okay, then get the lobster!

Monica: (opening the door) (to Pete) Hey!

Frank: Hi.

Rachel: Hi!!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: Hi!

(They’re all staring at him, with big, huge smiles on their faces.)

Joey: Hey, how much cash do you got in your pocket right now?

Monica: And that’s why, I’m not inviting you in for a drink. (starts
to leave) Bye.

All: Oh-no-no-no-no….

Rachel: Just one drink?!

Monica: (in the hallway) So, where do you want to go?

Pete: Hey, you like pizza?

Monica: Oh, that’s sounds great.

Pete: I know a great little place.

[Cut to a shot of the coliseum in Rome, Italy.]

[Scene: A restaurant in Rome, Monica is paying for the pizza.]

Pete: You’re, hey, you’re not paying for the pizza!

Monica: Oh come on, it’s only fair, you paid for the flight. Now is,
is that enough lire?

Pete: Ahh, I’d throw another thousand on that.

Monica: Why, how much is that?

Pete: That’s about 60 cents.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, it’s the middle of the night. Joey is
walking into the living room, and runs into the entertainment centre.]

Joey: Every night!!

(He starts to walk to the bathroom and hears the hypnosis tape from
Chandler’s bedroom.)

Hypnosis Tape: You do not need to smoke. Cigarettes don’t control you.
You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to
smoke. A strong, confident woman, who does not need to
smoke. (Joey walks out smiling to himself.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s, Frank is watching TV, and he’s very depressed as
Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey, Frank. Look, okay, I know that you think I did like this
totally evil thing, but I so didn’t. There’s someone here who
can explain this better than I can.

Alice: Hi Frank.

Frank: Hi, Mrs. Knight.

Alice: Phoebe’s right Frank. I know it’s hard to hear, but it would’ve
been wrong to go through with it. I-I-I was being selfish, even
though we, we want the same things now, in the future we may
not. (to Phoebe) Is that it, is that what it is?

Phoebe: Yeah, but not just that.

Alice: Right, not just that. Umm, even though we love each other as
much as we do, none the less.

Phoebe: None the less.

Alice: None the less. Umm, you’re too young to, to really know what
you want. (They embrace in a passionate kiss.)

Phoebe: That’s right, exactly. (sees them) All right, it’s a good bye
kiss, that’s good. (Frank picks Alice up and they move to the
couch) Bye-bye. (They both lie down on the couch and start to
make out.) Okay, no, the important thing is that you see what
I’m saying, y'know, just y'know, this is clearly wrong. (They
ignore her) Okay, I’ve decided I’m gonna let this happen!
Okay, can I just get my purse? (She reaches in and Alice
moans) Okay, all right, good. (leaves).

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler’s bedroom, he’s listening to the hypnosis tape again.]

Hypnosis Tape: Cigarette’s don’t control you. You are a strong,
confident woman, who does not need to smoke.

Joey: (He’s recorded his voice on the tape) Joey’s your best friend.
You want to make him a cheese sandwich everyday. (he laughs) And
you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.

(Chandler wakes up and stares at the tape.)