[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Monica,
and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is stressing out about something.]

Monica: What is it hon?

Phoebe: I-I can’t find anything that I want to eat! Everything I eat
makes me nauseous! I’m telling you, being pregnant is no piece
of cake, ooh! Cake! (Chandler shrugs, and Phoebe grimaces.) No.

Monica: Aww, honey I’m sorry.

Phoebe: God! Ooh! What is that smell? It’s coming from the bathroom.
Ooh! (She goes to the bathroom.)

Chandler: Wow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.

[Cut to the bathroom, Joey is taking a shower and Phoebe knocks on the
door.]

Joey: Yeah?

Phoebe: It’s me. It’s Phoebe. Listen there’s something in here I want
to eat, what-what smells so good?

(Joey sticks his head out of the shower curtain.)

Joey: Is it the shampoo? It’s guava.

Phoebe: (she smells his head) No!

Joey: Oh! Wait-wait! (Reaches inside the shower.) Is it my bologna
sandwich?

Phoebe: Yes. Yes. Yes. I can’t believe it! The baby wants bologna!
Maybe he wants me to eat meat? I can’t eat meat!

Joey: Oh, wait-wait! (Reaches into the shower again.) Maybe it’s a
pickle?!

(Phoebe grimaces at the smell.)


OPENING CREDITS


[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are there.
Rachel is writing something on a pad, and then crumples it up and
throws it on the floor.]

Chandler: What are you writing?

Rachel: Well, Joshua’s coming in tomorrow and since I don’t have the
guts to ask him out, I’m going to sell him a coat and put this
note in the pocket.

Chandler: Oh yeah? (He grabs the pad and starts reading it.) Joshua,
give me a call sometime, guys like you (Pause) never go out
of style, what did you throw away?

(Ross and Emily enter.)

Chandler: Hi guys!

All: Hey!

Joey: Hey, what have you guys been up too?

Ross: Oh, we went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs and the
Cupert-Hewitt museum.

Chandler: Without me?!

Emily: My uncle dragged us there. But, it actually it turned out to be
really interesting.

Ross: Yeah.

Emily: They were so ornate and beautiful, I mean look at that! (Shows
them a doorknob she has.)

Monica: I don’t know how museums work in England but, here, you’re not
supposed to take stuff.

Emily: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security
there. (Chandler is shocked.) It’s a joke. (They all laugh.)

Ross: Bye. (They kiss.)

Emily: Right, I’ve got to be off, I’ll see ya. Buh-bye then. (She
leaves.)

Joey: Wow! You guys seem to be having a good time.

Ross: Oh yeah, she’s-she’s amazing. And-and she’s so much fun. And!
Y’know what? When I’m with her, I’m fun! I even signed up for
helicopter classes. (Chandler is shocked.) She’s leaving in two
days, I don’t have to do it.

Monica: Oh no, two days, you must be bummed.

Ross: Yeah, she’s got to go back to London. But you know what? I’ve
been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two
weeks together, and that’s it. Y’know.

Joey: Hey that’s what all my relationships are like.

Chandler: Yes, but in Ross’s case, they both know in two weeks that’s
it.

(Phoebe enters.)

Ross: Pheebs!

All: Hey!

Ross: (starts rubbing her belly) Hello! Hello!

Phoebe: (angered by the rubbing) Yes! I know! I know! Yeah! So the
baby is totally craving meat. This afternoon I tried tricking
it, I made it a soy-burger to make it think it was getting meat,
y’know? And I got nauseous.

Chandler: Maybe that’s because soy-burgers suck!

Phoebe: Being pregnant is tough on your tummy.

Joey: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow.

Phoebe: That’s sweat. You throw up all morning, you’ll have that glow
too.

[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is preparing to slip Joshua the note.]

Joshua: (coming in from a changing room) Okay!

Rachel: Oh, here’s that trench-coat that you wanted.

Joshua: Oh great! (He tries on the coat.) Wow! Yeah, it’s comfortable.

Rachel: Yeah?

Joshua: Man, I could really flash somebody in this thing. (He goes to
put his hands in his pockets.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Oh no-no, no-no, they don’t want you to put your
hands in the pockets until you are out of the store.

Joshua: Why not?!

Rachel: Well, that’s because of a lot of,(She imitates someone picking
their nose and placing the treasure found in the pockets.)

Joshua: Y’know, they ruin it for everybody.

Rachel: I know!

Joshua: Y’know, I wore that cashmere sweater on a date last night.

Rachel: Oh?

Joshua: Yeah, it was my first date since the uh, since the divorce.

Rachel: Well, congratulations, so do you love her?

Joshua: No, no, no, she’s nice but, y’know, it just it made me realize
that I’m just not, I’m just not ready to be dating, y’know?

Rachel: Huh. Well, uh, that’s uh, that’s interesting. (She goes over
and retrieves her note.)

Joshua: (noticing her) Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what was that?

Rachel: Oh, it’s just an anti-theft device.

Joshua: Then uh, what’s-what’s this? (Shows her the real anti-theft
device.)

Rachel: You need that, you need that too ‘cause obviously, a thief
could just tear this up. (Rips up the note.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is writing
on the Magna-Doodle as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Oops, sorry. Listen, we-we have to have a party tonight!
Actually, we have to have one in five minutes, so everybody
cancel your plans.

Chandler: What are you talking about?

Joey: Yeah, what’ going on?

Rachel: We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But
it’s actually for Joshua. (Starts handing out party hats.) Look,
he said he’s not ready to date, so I had to invite him to a
party if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I have
the perfect opportunity to seduce him! (Hands Ross a party hat.)

Ross: Well, as much as I’d like to meet Josh and warn him, Emily and I
aren’t going to be here. All right? I mean, she’s going to come
by first to say good-bye, and then I’ve got a whole special
evening planned. So I’m sorry, no party.

Joey: Awwww!

Emily: (entering) Hello?

Rachel: Surprise!!!

Chandler and Joey: Surprise!!

Emily: No one’s ever thrown me a surprise party before!

Rachel: Well, it was all Ross’s idea.

Emily: You’re so sweet! And I’m so surprised!

Ross: You really didn’t know?

[Cut to later, the party is in full swing. Rachel is in the kitchen and
Chandler goes over to talk to her.]

Chandler: Why are you in here if Joshua is all the way over there?
(Points to the living room.)

Rachel: Uhh, because I’m trying to play hard to get. Oh, quick he’s
looking over here, say something funny.

Chandler: Like what?

(Rachel laughs hysterically.)

Joey: What-what-what is so funny?

Chandler: I said, "Like what?"

Joey: Now that’s a thinker.

Rachel: Okay, y’know what, y’know what? This playing hard to get thing
is not working. Umm, hand-hand me those cherries. (Chandler
does so.) Okay. Okay. (She does a little sexy walk over to
where Joshua is standing.) Hi!

Joshua: Hi!

Rachel: Care for a cherry?

Joshua: Oh, no thanks.

Rachel: No? Y’know, I can tie one of these into a knot using just my
tongue.

(She tries to demonstrate this unique ability, but only succeeds in
choking on it.)

Joshua: You okay? (Rachel swallowed it whole and is not hacking like a
heavy smoker in the morning.) You all right? (Rachel walks
away, coughing.)

Ross: (interrupting Monica and Emily) So we should probably get going
soon.

Emily: Oh, but the party’s only just getting started!

Ross: Yeah, but we-we have to be at the Four Seasons for drinks in 15
minutes and then y’know, then The Plaza for dinner.

Emily: So why did you plan a party at the same time?

Ross: No-no-no, no, umm, actually American surprise parties are-are-are
very short. It’s usually, "Surprise!" And then, "Oh my God, I’m
so surprised, good-bye!"

Emily: But Ross, I’m such having a great time! Your sister has just
been telling me that you used to dress up like little, old
ladies and hold make-believe tea parties.

Ross: Monica said that did she? (He squeezes Monica’s knee really
hardly and Monica winces in pain.)

[Cut to Joey and Phoebe in the kitchen. Phoebe is watching Joey make a
sandwich.]

Phoebe: Ooh, yeah. Then what are you going to put on top of that?

Joey: A little salami.

Phoebe: Ooh yeah! Then umm, what goes on top of the salami?

Joey: Pastrami.

Phoebe: Oooh, yeah. You’re a genius.

(Rachel enters, she has changed clothes.)

Rachel: Oh, could somebody give me a hand with this zipper?

Joey: Yeah. (He goes over to her.)

Rachel: Up!

Monica: You changed?

Rachel: Yeah, I did. I needed my lucky dress.

Monica: And lucky means, more cleavage?

Chandler: Does for me.

(Joey starts wiping lint off of her back, but goes at little too far
and Rachel just glares at him. He stops, gives her the ‘okay’ symbol
and walks away.)

Rachel: Ohh, God! Look at him, he’s so cute. I wanna go over there,
grab him, and kiss him! How can I kiss him and not letting him
know that I like him?

Joey: Oh! I know how you can get him, take off your bra.

Rachel: What?

Joey: There was a scene in Footloose...

Chandler: Flashdance.

Joey: Yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl...

Chandler: She was a welder.

Joey: What? Were you like in the movie, or, Anyway, she takes off her
bra under her shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and
classy.

Monica: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe.

Rachel: It’s not Christmas!

Monica: Or Spin the Bottle?

Rachel: He’s not 11!

Emily: (with her coat on, she’s leaving with Ross) Thank you so much
for this. It was really so thoughtful of you.

Rachel: What? You’re leaving?!

Ross: Yes, we have something we have to get to.

Joshua: Uhh, yeah, I think I’m going to take-off too.

Rachel: No! You guys can’t leave yet! You have to stay, we-we got the
whole big thing planned!

Ross: What big thing?

[Cut to later, the whole group is seated on the floor and Rachel is
explaining the rules of Spin the Bottle.]

Rachel: (spinning the bottle) So, Spin the Bottle works like this: I
spin the bottle, it lands on Gunther, so I would have to kiss
Gunther. (She crawls over to where Gunther is sitting and sees
the look of anticipation on Gunther’s face and decides not to
kiss him.) All right. Who wants to go first?

Emily: I’ll go.

All: Yay!

(Emily spins the bottle and it lands on Joey.)

Joey: Welcome to America. (They both kiss.)

(Joey spins the bottle and it lands on Emily.)

Monica: Two in a row! You’ve got to use your tongues now! (They kiss
again.)

Rachel: Yay! Emily!

(Emily spins the bottle and once again, it lands on Joey.)

Chandler: What are the odds? What are the odds?

(They both move to kiss again.)

Ross: (stopping them) Okay, that-that’s enough! Y’know, let’s, let’s
let someone else play.

Joey: If you didn’t want to play, why did you come to the party?

Rachel: Okay, my turn!!

(Rachel spins the bottle and it lands on.Wait for it Joshua. (You
thought I was going to say Ross, didn’t you?) Rachel squeals in
delight and starts a slow sexy crawl over to Joshua, making sure he
and everyone else watching gets a good look at her cleavage.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!! The baby just kicked!

All: Ohh!

Rachel: It’s okay! It’s okay! It kicked once, it’ll kick again!

All: Oh my God!

(They all stand up and go over to Phoebe to feel the baby, preventing
Rachel from kissing Joshua.)

Rachel: All right, well, everybody just remember where they were
sitting.

(She crawls over to Joshua and kisses the back of his knee. He feels
it and looks down, Rachel pretends she’s knocking a bug off his leg.)

Rachel: Just a bug.


COMMERCIAL BREAK


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, it is later in
the party. The Spin the Bottle game is over and Chandler is making a
sandwich as Phoebe watches.]

Phoebe: Y’know it doesn’t matter how much I’m craving it. Y’know why
I’m never gonna eat meat? Because it’s murder, cold blooded
murder.

Chandler: Okay.

(He takes a bite out of the sandwich and as he does so, Phoebe attacks
the other end and starts devouring the sandwich.)

Chandler: There’s a Phoebe on my sandwich! (He walks away, giving the
sandwich to Phoebe.)

Joey: Phoebe, what-what are you doing?!

Phoebe: I can’t help it. I need the meat. The baby needs the meat.

Joey: All right look, y’know how-y’know how when you’re dating someone
and you don’t want to cheat on them, unless it’s with someone
really hot?

Phoebe: Yeah, totally!

Joey: All right. Okay. Well this is the same kind of deal. If you’re
going to do something wrong, (He grabs two steaks from the
freezer) do it right!

[Cut to later, Phoebe is finishing off her steak.]

Joey: Feel better now?

Phoebe: Yeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day,
I’m gonna eat like, y’know millions of cows.

Joey: Hey, what if I said, I could even things out for ya, meatwise.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Well, I eat a lot of meat right?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Joey: Well, suppose until the baby’s born I laid off it. No extra
animals would die, you-you’d just be eating my animals.

Phoebe: Joey, I can’t believe you would do that for me.

Joey: Absolutely! I could be a vegetarian. There’s no meat in beer,
right?

[Cut to Ross and Emily standing by the foosball table.]

Ross: Okay, we could still make dinner if we skipped the appetisers
and asked for our check right away.

(Rachel enters, she has changed once again. This time into her high
school cheerleading uniform.)

Emily: But, we can’t go now. It looks like Rachel’s gonna put on a
skit.

Monica: Oh my God! Have you lost your mind?

Rachel: No-n-n-n-no! I am finally thinking clearly. My lucky dress
wasn’t working out to well for me, but for four years, this
baby never missed.

Monica: Rachel-Rachel-Rachel I-I cannot, I can’t let, (pause), actually
I kinda want to see what happens.

Joshua: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Joshua: Nice uh, costume.

Rachel: Ohh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a big American good-bye
cheer. So okay! (Runs into the living room) Ready! Okay! Gimme
an ‘E!’

All: E!

Rachel: Gimme an ‘M!’

All: M!

Rachel: Gimme an ‘I!’

All: I!

Rachel: Gimme an ‘L!’

All: L!

Rachel: Gimme a ‘Y!’

All: Y!

Rachel: What do you get? (She throws her pom-poms to Joey and Phoebe
and performs a cartwheel.) Emily!! (Tries to do another one.)
Emil, Whoa!! (She falls in Chandler’s room.) Okay! So that’s
me as a cheerleader! Ta-dum! (Gunther’s the only one that claps.)

(Joey and Monica rush over to her.)

Joey and Monica: Are you all right?

Rachel: I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m just losing a tooth, it’s no big deal. I have a dentist! Y’know. I’m gonna go put some ice on it. Excuse me. (She goes over to the ice and Joey and Monica follow her.) What do I do now? What do I do now?

Monica: I think you’re done.

Joey: Okay, time to take off the bra. (She glares at him.)

Joshua: Umm, that was really great, but I-I gotta take-off actually.

Joey: (trying not to be obvious) Take the bra off.

Rachel: All right, come on, let’s go get your coat.

Joshua: Okay.

(They both go to Chandler’s bedroom to get his coat.)

[Cut to Gunther and Emily.]

Gunther: Rachel is my girlfriend.

[Cut to Chandler’s bedroom.]

Joshua: So, this was uh, really fun.

Rachel: Oh, yeah! Real fun. (She makes a decision.) Y’know, this bra,
Really, bothers me. (She starts taking off her bra.) Y’know,
this used to be my bedroom. Yeah. A lot of memories in here, a
lot of memories. If these walls could talk, y’know what they’d
say? Wanna hear some memories? (She is now violently pulling
on her bra in order to remove it, but it isn’t co-operating.)

Joshua: Need uh, need a little hand there.

Rachel: Oh no-no-no! No, I got this all under control.

Joshua: You really don’t seem like you do. That’s....

(She is still yanking on the bra, but it is stuck in her sleeve.
Finally, she gives up.)

Rachel: Ughhhh!! Forget it! (Sits down heavily on the bed.) This is,
this is not how this is supposed to happen.

Joshua: Well, what was supposed to happen?

Rachel: Can you not look at me when I say this? (He turns around) I
thought that if I could get you here, I could seduce you.

Joshua: Huh. Oh, boy! (Sits down next to her.) Uhh, I-I don’t wear
suits to work, and I bought six of them from you.

Rachel: Well, I’m sorry, I thought you needed them!

Joshua: No, no-no, no-no, my point is that I kept coming back because,
I wanted to see you.

Rachel: Why?!

Joshua: Because I-I like you.

Rachel: You like me?

Joshua: Yeah! I mean you’re-you’re beautiful and smart and
sophisticated, a lot of this isn’t based on tonight.

Rachel: Yeah but-but-but you liked me! Oh my God, I can’t believe this,
all this time, I liked you and you liked me!

Joshua: But...

Rachel: Oh no-no-no don’t say but! No-no, but’s never good! Let’s just
leave it at, you like me and I like you.

Joshua: Okay uh, however...

Rachel: Oh, now see that’s a fancy but.

Joshua: My marriage like just ended, and I’m really not ready to get
into anything yet.

Rachel: But....

Joshua: I’m sorry, I, I just need a little time.

Rachel: Okay.

[Scene: The hallway, Ross is sitting on the step drinking a beer as
Rachel comes out of the guys apartment.]

Rachel: Ohh, here you are. I was looking for you before. Joshua’s gone
so you and Emily are free to go.

Ross: That’s okay. She’s still in there enjoying her fake party and
uh, it’s too late to do any of the things I had planned, so...

Rachel: Oh, Ross, I’m sorry. I completely ruined your evening.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I made a fool out of
myself.

Ross: Helps a little.

Rachel: Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser?

Ross: Yeah, have a seat.

Rachel: I’m so sorry.

Ross: That’s okay, I mean it was just two-week thing anyway, I just
didn’t want it to end this way, y’know?

Rachel: Well, maybe you didn’t want it to end?

Ross: What do you mean?

Rachel: You seem to really like her.

Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we
both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y’know no
commitment.

Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your
friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through
Monica’s photo albums, I mean you don’t do that if you’re just
in it for two weeks.

Ross: You think?

Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport,
and you’re sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old
cheerleader with a fat lip.

Ross: Hey, you’re right.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Thanks. (He starts to go inside and stops.) What photo album was
it?

Rachel: I don’t know, it was you and a bunch of albino kids.

Ross: Oh my God! Those weren’t albino kids, that was computer camp!
Rach! (He hurries inside and Chandler is taking out the garbage.)

Rachel: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Rachel: You’re a pathetic loser, right?

Chandler: Oh-ho, yeah!

Rachel: Sit!

(He does so, and immediately starts looking pathetic.)

Joshua: Hi. (He has just returned.)

Rachel: Oh my gosh, Joshua!

Joshua: All those things I said about not being ready...

Rachel: They’re not true?

Joshua: No, they’re-they’re all true.

Rachel: Oh.

Joshua: But...

Rachel: Oh! Oh, I love that but.

(They move to kiss, but realise that Chandler is staring at them.
Chandler urges them on.)

Rachel: You wanna go inside and have some coffee?

Joshua: Yeah.

Rachel: Okay. (Joshua goes inside and to Chandler.) Every time.


CLOSING CREDITS


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next day.
Phoebe is busy making a sandwich.]

Joey: Oooh, what you got there?

Phoebe: Pastrami.

Joey: Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Hey! Y’know what goes good with that?

Joey: Hm-mm, corn beef.

Joey: Ooh, I was gonna say bologna, but that’s much better. How about
a little of that smoked turkey?

Phoebe: Okay.

Joey: (He starts looking longingly at the sandwich.) Oh mama! Uh
when-when is the baby due?

Phoebe: Six months.

Joey: Ugh. Now if a cow should die of natural causes, I can have one
of those right?

Phoebe: Not if I get there first.